So today was an exhausting day for so many reasons. I have gone through a huge range of emotions with one second being different than the one before it. Lord knows that I will run myself into the ground to do anything I can for almost anyone's happiness, while at the same time knowing that it's almost impossible to do that for everyone all at the same time. So, I make a decision and hope for the best. Usually time tells me if it was the right one or not. I do not like to be disappointed, so therefore I do not like to disappoint.
I have thought about momma alot today. More than most days. I haven't been able to get through even a single day of the last 3 months without something jumping out and screaming a memory I had with her...from the chocolate muffins at the gas station to the many ornaments she made for the kids over the last 5 years.
Our ladies Christmas party was at the church today, and as much as I loved being around all my friends I couldn't help feel deep inside that she wasn't there. We had to play this game where you pass a yarn ball on to someone and say something nice about that person. It was an emotional game from the beginning because we all mean so much to each other.
The woman that picked me to say something about me has acquired a new power since momma died. We have a common bond that, while it was always there, was not recognized until momma was gone. We are both in church because of her, and because of that she has the ability to know without me saying a word when I am having a bad day and missing her. When I first moved here I would spend time with her and then call my family to talk about her and about how crazy she was (something I am still paying for) because I really didn't understand anything about church and God and all that goes with that. It scared me but intrigued me at the same time. She would ask me if I wanted her to pray for me and I would say "no thanks, I'm good."
When we would get into fights I would think to myself..."If I do, by the grace of God, make it to heaven it is going to be in spite of her, not because of her." Obviously I would think that out of anger. It had been a while since we had a fight, thank God.
So I go to this party and this woman gets up and walks over to me. I had already been thinking about momma, but she starts talking about me and momma and how she wouldn't be in church without our invitation and how thankful she is for us. I was hysterical by the time she was done, I couldn't hold it together. I missed her being there. I wish she could have seen me sign, and I wish I could have seen her sitting there laughing at Loris stories with us all. It seemed like everything that anyone said made me think about her. One woman talked about momma as her son's first sunday school teacher and how great she was and how much he missed her. (she was really great with children) Another got up and said kind words about her mother in law who was also there. Another got up and thanked one of the other women for the "mommy hug" that she gave her one night at church. Another got up and spoke of waking and hearing her mom praying in the middle of the night. She talked about how she didn't have that growing up that she had to wait until she was 45 to have that. It seems like I waited 20 years to have that and then all to quickly it was gone. All of the kind words kept making my thoughts come back to her.
I had distanced myself from her physically because 1. I am not very touchy feely to very many and 2. We really did have some very heated discussions in the first several years that I think caused me to draw back alot. There were a few times that she just hugged me without caring if I was going to like it or not, and I did, but I didn't want her to know how much I liked it because that made me vulnerable. I know now and forever that I have the wonderful walk with God that I have and the fulfilled life I live partly BECAUSE of her NOT in spite of her. God has given me peace about our relationship because I feel like even though we butted heads like normal mother and daughter in laws, I really did everything I could to show her how much she meant to me, even if she never believed it. Tonight I eternally pass my ball of yarn to my mother in law. She spent the last ten years of her life sowing seed after seed into me...praying prayer after prayer...giving love upon love. Her death while leaving a void in my life that I wonder will ever be filled again has opened my eyes to the simplicity there is to loving someone. We ourselves make it complex. We bring the baggage and the paranoia. We look for the hidden agendas and put up the walls to keep others out.
When the day is over the truth is that LOVE IS A CHOICE. My first pastor used to say that "Love is a choice to do the highest good you can for someone." At this time of year and forever the highest good I can do for momma now is to cling to my walk and relationship with God with even an ounce of the depth of passion she lived her life with. She was passionate about the things she loved and she loved God more than anything. I will do everything in my power to take the part of herself that she put into me and nourish it in my own life and than let it overflow to the lives of her grandchildren. They may not remember that much about her themselves, but they will know her through me and they will know she was an awesome woman of God.
